It’s been WAY to long since I’ve updated but the truth is I struggle to write when I’m feeling good so I guess I better break the news. I’m feeling good, best I’ve felt in 5+ years. Let me make it clear that this is in regards to my mental state. I’ve been so sick for so long, I feel like a different person and to be honest I’m working (with my therapist’s help) on how to cope with my new perspective on life. I will always continue to better myself and my mental health. As always I will never be cured and I’m okay with that (finally), it gives me a reason to never give up. So why am I feeling so good? Well I stuck to my word, after my true rock bottom in the hospital 10 months ago, I’m giving it my all to my recovery, not only for myself but for my family. Religiously I have seen my psychiatrist and my therapist. In November, I began a new medication treatment with anticonvulsants. I was skeptical about the meds for obvious reasons but I needed something because I couldn’t fight this alone. I’ve been on these medications for 8 months now and couldn’t feel better. I believe my body negatively reacts to antipsychotic medication and inevitably work against me. These new meds have been a life changer. I’m not getting negative side effects and they aren’t sedating me. With the help of the medication I’m able to work deeper on my therapy and get the root of my issues and learn to cope positively. My biggest struggle right now is holidays. They are very triggering for me. I’m also learning the difference between depressed and stressed, which means I have to learn how to handle stress (uncontrolled situation) and cope proactively. At my May appointment with my psychiatrist, he was pleased with my progress and scheduled me out to November for my next follow up. That’s the longest distance in a follow up appointment I’ve ever had. #milestone Like can I get a HELL YEA?! On the home front, things are ....stressful. Unless you live under a rock, you should know farming in anywhere in 2019 sucks. In May alone we got at least 10 inches of rain. This kept the tractors out of fields and left anger farmers at home (with their wives). Our income will be effected as well as most farmers’ and the bills are still due. Frankly this issue could be a whole post in itself. But like I said things are stressful. However on the other end of our home front, it’s officially summer break for the kiddos. Our Ms. A graduated from Preschool this spring, so she will be starting Kindergarten full time this fall. Cooper still has one more year of half day preschool and then I won’t know what to do with my hands when they are both gone all day. I fantasize about those days which are coming in close. #momgoals We had a great time spending our Christmas in Florida and both kids sang beautifully at their spring concert. Daddy & A got to go to their first Father/Daughter Dance last fall. I think I can finally say that have them both fully potty trained besides at night. This is and isn’t easier, but hey no more diaper bag but I think it takes us longer to leave the house. #compromise We are trying to keep our summer pretty open. We’ve already had some fun days. We got A into some Ballet/Tap classes this summer and she loves it. Both growing up so fast, A turned 5 this June and C turns 4 in August. #nomorebabies In the barn, things have been a little exciting. In late November we acquired two bred cows, who were due in March. Very tame pair of girls, I was very excited to add them to our herd. I had started to intensely watch over them starting in February, just like a 9 month pregnant women nesting. #cowdoula In late February I began having problems with my gallbladder again. I was trying to hold off on surgery until the calves were born, but of course things didn’t happen that way. It was March 14th, still no babies, and I went in for a surgical consult. They happen to be able to schedule me for surgery the next morning. I thought, “ Great, get it done ASAP and I won’t miss the births”. HA! At 8pm on March 15th (8hrs post op) baby #1 was born. Luckily I didn’t have to contribute, but I wasn’t able to handle the calf how I wanted to. Then 5 days later (while still trying to recover) baby #2 is born. Both heifers which is prefect for our breeding plan. Thankfully all went as planned and the mommas took care of anything without my help. Just been watching them grow, as always, the barn has been such a special place for me. It continues to contribute to my lasting recovery. Also contributing to my recovery is one very special road trip that I took and I can’t wait to tell you about in my next post!
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My Medical Statistics: Diagnosis: Major Depression Disorder PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder Prescription: Clonazepam 1mg Psychiatrist: Psychologist: Moeller, Myers and Associates, Sterling, IL Archives
November 2018
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