Since I became public about my struggles with mental illness, I’ve had a variety of responses. At first they were mostly encouraging. It’s been over two years since I’ve opened up and now I’m regretting that decision. I’m still struggling daily with my disease. And because I’m open about my struggles, I feel like I wear them on my sleeve, for EVERYONE to see. I feel like even the people that pass by see and feel the weight of my mental illness. This was nothing I was prepared for.
When I first came forward, I had a pretty decent support group, between the encouraging readers and family, but most of all I had my best friend. She was huge leaning post in my darkest of days. She was there to pick me when I was in a slump, she was there to pick up the slack when I needed help at home with the kids. She was a lifesaver. And I tried to tell her that as much as I could. As time passed, she got married, she got pregnant, but most importantly they joined the military and moved away. It crushed my whole world. That saving grace was gone. Not only did she move away but she decided that I was no longer a friend she wanted. Heartbreaking to say the least. She exclaimed how I wasn’t a good friend and that only my needs were allowed to be met. I may not take full responsibility but I do take some. I was an difficult spot and I used her more and let her use me less. I was a shitty friend. The words she used to describe the way I made her feel were like daggers. But maybe it was all something I needed to hear. I was so in my own pain and depression, that I didn’t think about the needs of others around me. Now I still sit here friendless. I was so struck by her words, why would anyone else fathom being my friend. I’m not by any means cured and I still struggle just as bad as I did back then. Who would even want to be around me? And yet the one thing I feel I can find happiness in is friendship. I want a friend I can talk to everyday. They know everything about my life and I know everything about theirs. I want a friend that I can go to lunch with or concerts or just sit on the couch all afternoon binge watching our favorite show. I want a friend that will be there in the hard times and still want to be there. I’ve been heartbroken so many times by friends, it’s hard not to believe it’s me. I know I’m not happy all the time. I know I’m not always encouraging or uplifting. I have flaws but don’t we all. Am I unlovable because of my mental illness? Am I incapable of being a friend because of my mental illness? If my inability to have a friend is because of my mental illness then just unfriend me now. Save me from the pain, save me from the anxiety, most of all save me from the lies. And if by chance there is someone out there who is willing to put up with all my flaws and all my struggles, and give me unconditional friendship, then here I am waiting for you to walk in to my life. Please hurry ♥️
0 Comments
|
My Medical Statistics: Diagnosis: Major Depression Disorder PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder Prescription: Clonazepam 1mg Psychiatrist: Psychologist: Moeller, Myers and Associates, Sterling, IL Archives
November 2018
|