![]() He took me by my shoulders, almost to shake it out of me. I couldn’t bare to even look at him, but the pain became too unbearable. “I just want to die” The 5 words I managed to utter out to my husband while holding back the tears. It was different this time. It was painful this time. There was a reason this time. On April 24th, 2018, I was officially diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). And it all hit me like a brick wall I didn’t see coming. I quit my anti-depressant last April. I felt really good all summer long, even had a good harvest. Then somewhere in November as the holiday season drew near things started to plummet. It wasn’t a steep hill but it was coming. We took Thanksgiving on as minimal as possible. I tried to make the best of Christmas, it was like life failed to be satisfying. At the end of January, we took our winter trip to Florida. Just before Christmas, we took a break from social media and continued it throughout our vacation. It was just what I needed. Not only was I offline and not comparing my life to others, I became closer to my family. My husband and I were on such a intimate emotional level, it was hard to feel depressed when life felt so good. As we returned home, all hell broke loose. My husband’s truck broke down, just 6 hours from home on a Friday afternoon. With no help until Monday, the kids and I rented a car to drive home so that A could return to school. At the time we were thinking my husband would return home only a few days later. However after being stuck there for 21 days, he finally came home. During those 21 days, I was a single mother. We even took a trip to visit him during that time. The one of the hardest part of being away from my husband was when only days after I returned home, my mother in law rushed me to the ER with severe abdominal pain. This pain was very similar to the physical “anxiety attacks” I’ve explained before. Except this time, the pain wouldn’t subside. It turned out to be gallstones. For the last 3 years, when I would have the extremely painfully anxiety attacks, then ended up being gallstone attacks, but the pain triggered my anxiety. Surgery was the game plan but first I wanted my husband home. With my husband being away for so long, it took a hard hit to our emotional state. All of us, even the kids were effected. I was strong when I needed to be but I was crumbling on the inside. Fast forward to Easter, I wasn’t doing great but I wasn’t doing bad. I was coping. And then a package came in the mail. The handwritten address was too familiar. So familiar it was a knife to my chest, the handwriting was my mother’s. I have been estranged from my mother for almost 5 years now. She would go in spirts with sending communication, but we hadn’t received anything for a while, and I was perfectly fine with that. But this Easter, that package broke something in me that had been damaged for a long time. The repetitive nightmares began, excessive crying, paranoia. But most importantly I was suicidal. I had felt these feelings before but never on this level or this intense. Trauma is so much different. Trauma isn’t being depressed because you have a chemical imbalance. You’re depression has a reason and that only makes it more severe. I have a chronic traumatic past. Going back and forth to both homes on top of the emotional abuse and neglect. It was never a single event. It was my whole childhood. And for damn reason at 28 years old, I still can’t cope with the effects of my childhood. It controls even ounce of me. My therapist best put as a rubber ball. I keep trying push and hold this ball underwater but it just keeps coming up. I put all my emotions and energy into holding this ball under but it never works. Instead of trying to push this ball under, I need to let it go. Let the ball float away. I may be able to still see it and it might come close sometime but if I let it go, I can focus my emotions and energy on my life now, present day. My husband. My kids. My family. So now I have to learn how to let go, how to cope. I can’t change the past, but I can make sure it doesn’t control me. I’m now on a new anti-psychotic medication to help the symptoms. But this is going to take much more work than medicine. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression and anxiety, please visit MHA or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.
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My Medical Statistics: Diagnosis: Major Depression Disorder PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder Prescription: Clonazepam 1mg Psychiatrist: Psychologist: Moeller, Myers and Associates, Sterling, IL Archives
November 2018
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