Mental Anxiety Attacks I’ve been having mental anxiety attacks for as long as I could remember, even before I realized they were anxiety attacks. I remember this feeling as a child, especially a child of divorced parents. The feeling of nervousness, anxiousness, and guilt; that upset stomach feeling you get when you feel as something is wrong. I usually have difficulty eating during this type of attack, but I am still able to walk and talk, and by looking at me, you wouldn’t have a clue about the pain I’m experiencing inside. I remember as a child being fidgety during these feelings; unable to focus. Since I started experiencing attacks again with my PPD (postpartum depression), the attacks are sometimes associated with heavy breathing or difficulty to catch my breath, uncontrollable shaking, and a rocking motion. The rocking motion is my body’s way of trying to relax. I feel I need a steady, repetitive motion to focus on to keep my mind off the attack. These attacks are tolerable but uncomfortable. The feeling of the attack is extremely difficult to shake, because the attack is usually (not always) associated with an actual feeling of guilt or nervousness; something has happened to upset me. It may not be a big happening or something the next person wouldn’t think twice about but it’s bothered me and that’s a part of my anxious personality. I’m often mentally afraid. As a child, afraid of getting yelled at, afraid of confrontation, afraid of getting in trouble. As an adult, it’s also the same things but with the added stresses of being a responsible adult. Will I ever be able to not be afraid? Probably not. To be honest I wouldn’t know how to live my life without my anxiety and I wouldn’t be me. Physical Anxiety Attack Although my anxiety is a part of who I am, it is also very dangerous and scary, which brings me to my physical anxiety attacks. These attacks are scary, painful, and intolerable. These attacks are fairly new to me. I didn’t start experiencing these attacks until my PPD kicked in almost 2 years ago. I would like to say that about 85% of these attacks I have experienced happened while I was asleep and the pain awoke me. I don’t remember having nightmares or scary dreams to put me in this state. These attacks come out of nowhere. Imagine a physical attack as watching a car accident in slow motion. The Initial Impact: The moment the car hits you, you’re in shock, and your brain hasn’t comprehended what has happened yet. - I awake from a deep slumber, with an excruciating pain in my upper stomach. - My initial response is having a stomach ache. My brain still hasn’t comprehended what is about to occur. When fear first hits you: your brain finally comprehends that you are in an accident. -The nervousness and anxiousness of the situation finally takes over as I realize what the pain means. Your body collides: Your head bashes into the steering wheel or your body is flung into the door and pain takes over your body. - Panic takes over my body and my breathing becomes labored. The pain gets more intense. - The feeling of someone stabbing my stomach and rotating the knife. The actual pain I feel during these attacks is my diaphragm cramping. I’ve done some research on the diaphragm and I’ve seen where this is sometimes associated with anxiety but I’ve never seen anything on the intensity of it. This is some of the most intolerable pain I’ve ever felt (and I’ve delivered two babies vaginally). The pain and cramping makes breathing difficult which in turns increases my anxiety. I’m unable to talk or walk. I feel like I can’t stretch my stomach out far enough to cure the pain. It spreads to my back, causing more breathing difficulties. The pain makes me want to lay in the fetal position but it only makes the pain and cramping worse. My labored breathing makes the anxiety worse in turn makes the cramping stronger. Without the diaphragm cramping, it would just be a mental attack and tolerable. The diaphragm cramping makes me fear for my life. The pain and anxiety of dying intensifies with every labored breath. Am I going to pass out and quit breathing? If we call the ambulance now, will they make it time? “I can’t breath, I AM DYING.” This thought may seem stupid to a normal person but this fear is very real to me. This attack is almost always accompanied by tears. Tears of pain, tears of fear, and tears of guilt. Most common response from someone who doesn’t experience anxiety, “Well just stop…”' Ha. If it was only that easy, I would! I’d rather choose not to have these attacks, they aren’t fun for me, but that isn’t an option. The pain triggers the anxiety, the anxiety triggers the labored breathing, and the labored breathing worsens the pain. It’s like a merry-go-round that’s making me sick, but I can’t get off the ride. For as long as I’ve had the feeling of anxiety the only remedy I’ve found for it is distraction. Distraction isn’t a pill I can just pop at the first feeling of pain. I have to create distraction; in the midst of every other thought going through my head at the time; I have to mentally create a distraction. I have to think of a happy time or good feeling in the midst of fear and pain. It’s like being stabbed but expected to feel happy about it. It isn’t easy and because of that I can’t handle an attack alone. My husband has been my sole support during these attacks. He has to sit and watch as his wife breaths heavily with pain and tears of fear roll down her cheek and he can’t do one thing about it but be there. Be there. That’s all I ever need him to do is be there Feeling safe in his arms as he tells me “I’m okay”, helps. Knowing he loves me even at my worse, helps. Knowing he cares and is worried about my well-being, helps. I wish there was a magic pill that would cure me but mental illness doesn’t work like that.
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My Medical Statistics: Diagnosis: Major Depression Disorder PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder Prescription: Clonazepam 1mg Psychiatrist: Psychologist: Moeller, Myers and Associates, Sterling, IL Archives
November 2018
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