![]() It's been over a month since I visited my psychiatrist. After my last visit with him my mood turned negative. I was over trying new medications that wouldn't work, and I was over fighting to feel better. Although I was "over it". I didn't give up. He prescribed me Ambien to help with my sleeping, however since my husband was out of town when he first prescribed it, he suggested that I wait until my husband returns to try it incase the side effects were severe. Not only did I wait for my husband to return, I also waited about another week or so after that. So for a solid 2-3 weeks I was "clean". My only medication was my Viibryd (anti-depressant) and my occasional Lorazepam (anti-anxiety). For nearly 2 months prior, I throwing 5 different sleep aids in my body, trying to find what worked without giving me side effects. Because of that, my body no longer knew how to sleep on its own. So I spent that time cleaning out my system of sleep aids and retraining my body how to sleep. Since cleaning out my system, something has changed in me. Life doesn't seem so bad. My kids don't seem so bad. My marriage and my husband don't seem so bad. I dare to say that I am happy. So for now nearly a month, I've been having happy days. Although I still have some physical side effects, my days are happy. I can't remember the last day I wanted to curl up in a ball and be forgotten. I enjoy things that I couldn't before. I laugh and smile more. I know by no means I'm cured. Because I'm still fear the darkness. I'm often waiting for this high to end. But for now I'm going to try to enjoy it. Part of these happy days, I'd like to attribute to therapy. I've been regularly attending therapy for nearly 5 months now. We've made some huge breakthroughs. I believe what helps me the most is becoming self-aware. 6 of 7 days I'm self-aware of my disease and I'm able to share my journey openly with the world. My therapist has helped me become self-aware of why I am the way I am and why I do certain things. She's helped me become self-aware of my childhood and how that has effected me now as a wife and mother. And because of this self-awareness, I'm able to take a step back from a situation and react differently than I normally would. Although my personality will never completely change. I am who I am because of my parents' divorce and my childhood but now I can change how it effects me and my life going forward. I would like to attribute this happiness to my medication as well, but I'm not sure I can accurately do that. Although I was still taking my medication during my "clean". As the happiness started to sink in, my reminders for medication checked out. This is all very common for someone taking a medication for depression. I know in my head, stopping my medication isn't going to make me feel better. But my head is also saying, "you feel happy you don't need it". And because I know I've been slacking on my medication, I'm waiting for the brick wall I hit when the medicine is out of my system. I'm try to avoid that wall. So I've made myself self-aware of what I'm doing and I'm trying to change that by continuing to take my medication regularly. I want these happy days to last so badly. I want to enjoy my time with my children and my husband. I want to enjoy everything in my life. I've wanted to feel this happiness for so long. I almost forgot what it even feels like, and even sometimes miss the comfortable (normal) feeling of depression. Let me leave you with this picture of how I feel right now during these happy days. ![]() During my darkness I am trapped in a dark room surrounded by doors. Each doors holds a different path. For the last 3 years, every time I opened a door, the room got smaller because the door was a new side effect or new stress or something to add to my depressive state. Now about a month ago I opened a new door. This door was bright, like a grass field on beautiful summer day. Now when that door opened, I creeped towards it slow, but began to gain speed. Eventually I ran out that door and felt the sun on my face for the first time in years. And although I am running and jumping through the field I am hiding from the darkness because he is looking for me to come back to the small dark room. Although that room has been home for that last 3 years, I'm starting to like this new door but still watching my back in case this door closes...
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
My Medical Statistics: Diagnosis: Major Depression Disorder PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder Prescription: Clonazepam 1mg Psychiatrist: Psychologist: Moeller, Myers and Associates, Sterling, IL Archives
November 2018
|